One of the most difficult problems that faces the facilitator or facilitator team is to figure out what is really happening when meetings do not go well. Sometimes meetings come apart with tension and anger, or just sort of listlessly drift into false consensus, or sometimes it just isn’t right but you can’t quite figure out why.
One inherent weakness in consensus is that when new members join the group, they may not have the skills and experiences needed to be successful. And they have to live with decisions which they did not help make, missed hearing the context conversations about, and may dislike or disagree with. When a group adds several new members it is a good idea to review the context and understandings of the core decisions so new members can get an understanding of the history and context of the decisions. It is also very important that new members receive adequate training in the groups decision process. Some groups do not allow new members to participate until they have completed decision making training.
If you have a team of facilitators to work with you can assign those who are not actively facilitating the meeting to make careful observations about communications and interpersonal relationships of the group members. It can be very hard to do this while you facilitate but some effort should be made if you are only one facilitator with no help.
Meeting watching is bit like bird watching, the more you know about things like games, personality styles, and communication problems the more you can effectively notice behaviors. There are some good references that describe the commonest types of meeting problem behaviors and how to work through them. I encourage you to check out the reference books listed at the end of this book for in depth coverage, and also do your own research. The more you know about group dynamics and how they work, or don’t work, the better you will be at recognizing problems and finding solutions to them.
I sometimes like to pretend that when I observe a meeting, I am doing a research study on a group of primates. I take notes about posture, tone, words said, length of speech, number of times a person speaks, how they act when others speak. Sometimes I might just focus on one persons behaviors, or maybe two or three people. The goal is not to put one person on the spot, or blame all the meeting troubles on a single person, but to increase understanding of the behaviors that effect meetings and how they do so. Knowing this gives the a key insight into how to approach solving problems behaviors cause.
People look at the world in fundamentally different ways. How any person sees and reacts to the world is an accumulation of the sum total of all their life experiences. The sum total of these reactions are called your personality style. Your personality style reflects in your attitudes and patterns when you work with other people.
As a facilitator is it useful to know about how personality styles work, what they mean, and the personality styles of the people in your group. One thing to observe in your group members is to determine if they are task or feeling oriented. This defines how they work with other people in a group. There are a number of tests, such as Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator that measures how a person reacts to events and people. Many of these you can copy from books and then modify for your own group. You can create a quick checklist of common defining behaviors and then use this checklist to measure your group members. Personality style is important because it characterizes how group members approach group work and it effects the attitudes about other people in the group. The important thing to understand about personality style is that using it as a tool can help you define the members in relation to other members, to help them understand their relationships better. As a facilitator, you need to understand personality types, and identify strategies for helping members with opposing styles to work together.
One of the most common sources of conflict and angst in all types of groups is the friction between the “doers” and the “talkers”. A common division in personality style is between task orientation and emotional orientation. This is a key element that will effect how people in a group work together. It is very helpful when group members understand themselves in relation to task and emotion.
A well functioning group process has a balance between task and feelings. Think of task and feelings like the wings of a bird. If one wing is shorter than the other, the bird flies around in circles. If there is mostly task work and little attention to feelings, the friction’s between people will erupt into communication problems and the resulting conflicts will keep tasks from moving forward. Conversely, too much processing of feelings may have everybody spending much of their time in feelings meetings while the tasks that need doing languish. However, when task and feelings are balanced, both wings are working at maximum efficiency to carry the group in the direction it wants to go. You need to process feelings to determine the direction to go and how to work together, you need task orientation to accomplish all the jobs needed.
A task oriented person gets great pleasure in getting results. They create prioritized, bulleted to do lists and then check off items accomplished. They are often fact and results driven, and want the bottom line clearly defined. They often want details organized, and they tend to know exactly where things are. They are excellent organizers and often are very tidy in their personal belongings, their CD collection is a study in organization theory. They believe in science and proof. Conversely, they are uncomfortable with ambiguity and get annoyed by discussions that are not related to tasks at hand. They may have little patience for digressions. In some cases, if you ask them how they feel about an issue, they will minimize their feelings, and be annoyed that you asked them for their feelings not the facts. A heavily task centered person has little tolerance of hearing how people feel about things, and tend to avoid spiritual and mythical discussions. They place little value in intuition.
A feelings oriented person is one who gets pleasure from working with people. They want to make people feel good about what is happening, and they see the world in terms of relationships. They tend to not be interested so much in facts as the consequences of the facts and may also be disorganized, easily loosing place of the current discussion thread. They may rely a great deal on intuition and place faith in the mystical or spiritual. They may care more about getting out peoples feelings than worrying about details or results. They tend to be very comfortable with ambiguity and tend to get annoyed by bulleted prioritized task lists and serial sequencing. If you ask them for the facts, they tend to want to move into relationships and concepts instead and may become annoyed that you asked them for the facts rather than their feelings. A heavily feelings centric person will tend to avoid discussions about facts and figures.
Now, both the descriptions above are huge oversimplifications of the enormously complex arena of personality types, but it illustrates the idea that each personality type looks at group endeavors with very different perspectives and have very different needs for what happens in the meeting. Many if not most people are a mixture of these orientations. Both are equally valid. Let me repeat that: Both perspectives are equally valid. The key element to understand is that both orientations are simply differences. Both task and feeling styles really do benefit the group as long as you learn what the other needs.
Let’s look at a couple sample conflicts involving the two styles and how they can end up. The meeting agenda for has several issues on it and the first issue evokes a long discussion about how people feel about a particular issue. Task-oriented Mary is getting more and more frustrated. Finally she blows up at the facilitator for wasting so much of the meeting time on this one discussion about feelings. She stomps out of the room in a huff.
Another day, another group meeting. This time the agenda item is full of numbers and lists and complex papers about some financial detail. The meeting goes on and the task oriented people are making to do lists and trivializing or putting down peoples issues because “We need to get things done”. Feelings-oriented Mary is detached and uninvolved. Although she has opinions, she is feeling alienated by the whole depersonalization of the issues. At the break she leaves. Nobody notices at first, and then the task folks shrug it off maybe with relief, that they can “get things done now”.
As you observe your group members you will begin to see signs in some of them of a particular orientation. In some it will be very obvious, in others it will not. If your group contains members that are heavily weighted towards task or process you will want to consider this element to your meeting planning.
One of the best ways for style angst to be worked out in a meeting is for the individuals to be allowed to state what they are feeling and what they want. For example, in the problem with Task-oriented Mary, she could have asked the group for help by saying something like: “As a task oriented person, the 35 minutes of discussion here with no real summary or end point in site is making me frustrated. Can we move to the proposal stage soon, or may I be excused until you finish your discussion?”
By clearly stating her frustrations, and proposing two solutions, she has made the group aware of her needs and the group then has choices to work with. The facilitator can also be a big help here by knowing the personality styles of her group and can watch for angst from people and then intervene on their behalf. Often people show physical attributes of when they are annoyed, such as tapping a foot, frowning, agitated shifting in a chair. Process people might go cold when they are annoyed, withdrawing, and making a blank face. Part of the skill of a master facilitator is learning what body language means for your members.
Recognizing your personality style and the needs and limitations it places you under is a key step in understanding how to work with a group. Both task and feeling styles have important contributions to make and you have to be patient and recognize the value of styles that are different from yours. You will be annoyed with your style opposite sometimes, so use that annoyance constructively to make changes in the process that benefit the group.
Encourage a task oriented person to the group get organized and working on results. The skills at seeing the bottom line can help the group when you summarize information, add facts, or urge the group towards concrete proposals.
Encourage a feelings oriented person to offer the skills of building relationships and understandings so that proposals can be made that get accepted and implemented with a high degree of spirit. They can work to keep the morale of the group high by offering personal support and acknowledgment of peoples work.
Groups often go through cycles where task or feelings gets emphasis in the groups activities. There may be a period where you make many decisions, hard and fast, and work with lots of information, get lots of details accomplished and then get somewhat paralyzed by what may seem to be a minor side issue. The group then focuses on feelings work, working through the issue, hearing emotional side issues, talking with each other and building up communication bridges and processes.
Over time, most experienced and successful groups learn to balance the task and feelings parts of their activities so each works to complement the other. As meeting skills grow in the group, the facilitator can capture emotional issues that get raised as part of a task agenda and skillfully roll them into the task processing so the end result is the optimum for everyone.
In the course of passing communications between dozens of people there are going to be some glitches. And the larger the group of people, the greater the odds of glitches. Here are some of the more common communication bugs and how to spot them.
It is common to make assumptions about what other people meant, why they said or did something. When you have a long term relationship, over several years you can make valid assumptions, based on experience in similar situations. Experienced married couples do this all the time. However, if you don't have a long history with the individual, don't make assumptions about other people until you get some experience, and even then be careful how you communicate those assumptions to others. Use qualifying terms to denote assumptions, such as “I think this is true” or “my take on this is”.
Another way assumptions are problematic is when a small group talks about something then assumes everyone else agrees. Of course, the longer such assumptions go on, the harder it is to accept reality that what is believed by a small group is not a large group truth. The best approach is to operate by agreements that were decided at a meeting, and if the whole group has not agreed, then don't assume a decision has been made or a course of action is guaranteed or even generally believed in. A common problem is that conversations are often misinterpreted as agreements. A few individuals talking about an issue, and the whole group agreeing on an issue, are two very different things.
Speaking for other people is something to do with a great deal of caution. When relaying conversations you have had with others, be careful how you relay the information. One good way is to reflect your uncertainty by couching your communications in non-absolute language such as: "What I thought I heard Melinda say was…., but you should check with her". Or, "I felt there was a great deal of emotion from that group about that issue." No one should ever presume to speak for a group. The collective "we" should never be invoked for any important communication unless you have personally communicated the point with EVERY person in the group. For anyone to claim that "we" all believe something is more often than not a sign that the person making the claim is fraudulent, deluded, or very foolish.
My perspective and your perspective are different. Always. We may agree on a particular issue, but our perspectives are as unique as our fingerprints, shaped by our individual lifetime of experiences. It is very common to have 5 people discuss an issue and then in later conversations discover that everyone has a different version of what was said or agreed to. If you make agreements in a small group, have someone write them down, and then check what was written before you leave the meeting in order to correct any perspective problems. Remember, the person taking the notes will reflect THEIR perspective in the notes. When you can regularly open your view on issues to understand and include others perspectives, you have achieved a notable wisdom.
Oral communication is a complex, multi-step process which is easy to garble. Words have different meanings, and how words are spoken and emphasized change the meaning, the context effects the meaning as does the emotional state of both the speaker and listener. This is a very common communication problem. Checking for meaning is tedious, and sometimes awkward, but can save a lot of time. For example, the classic is to get feedback by saying, What I hear you say is….. Another way is to summarize regularly the main points of the conversation, allowing for corrections of summary points.
In this area, often checking for meaning involves testing the emotional state of the speaker. For example, the words: “Those Kids!” can have any numbers of meanings. If you are not sure, reflect back the emotion you think you hear such as: “You sound angry”. Mistaken emotional context can create a completely different meaning to the same set of words.
Sometimes people only get part of the information, or they misunderstand a key point and this affects their ability to communicate, or their interaction with another person. For example, there are two kids named Mitch, and you hear Mitch broke one of the kids bikes. The wrong Mitch gets silently blamed for something that not only he didn’t do, but he didn’t know it even happened. When he comes to borrow your child’s bike, he gets told he is not responsible and can not borrow the bike. Then you find out, after several days, that this Mitch didn’t break the bike, and the bike the other Mitch broke was a dolls toy bike, not a real one. Operating on incomplete information happens frequently, and it may take some people considerable time and effort to change their ideas, even when they have the complete information.
A declarative opinion is when a person states their opinion in concrete language and it is mistaken for a fact, not an opinion. For example, “The best place for the road to go is here”. This will sometimes shut down the conversation. The listener may assume that the decision has already been made, or that the speaker is an authority on the subject. It is particularly problematic when the speaker IS an authority, and often their opinions may be worth challenging. This tends to be a personal habit of speech and as such can be recognized by individuals and corrected, for example by saying, “you mean, in YOUR opinion”. Statements of opinion are best prefaced as such, with phrases like, “In my opinion’, or “In my experience I have learned that…”. These phrases let the listener know that the subject is open and has room for discussion.
In the process of growth as a group you will continually to stumble into communication problems. Many groups lack an organized effort to evaluate and deal with communication issues unless they become blocking problems, and so it is up to individuals to try their best and to be aware of communication glitches and how to fix them. Being able to clearly communicate needs and issues is a crucial part of successful group process.
You may find yourself in a conflict that is the result of another persons behavior. When this occurs one way to work through this is to use a pattern sentence to communicate in a specific way. The problem with communications in this situation is the emotional reaction can cause communications to short circuit in a unproductive way. An angry, yelling match is not often a very effective way to communicate, especially if the communication is about the behaviors and how they make you feel.
A pattern sentence is a simple structured way to make an observation about a behavior and its consequences. The goal of such a structure is to minimize defensive reactions. The simplest form goes like this:
When (Behavior) happens, I feel (Reaction to behavior)
For example, “When the tools were left out in the rain, I was really angry”. In this pattern the behavior and the feelings the behavior causes which are communicated. In this simple form, you can state this in a large group and the “who” is deliberately left out. It really doesn’t matter who does the behavior, what is important is to identify the action and the result. By decoupling the behavior from a particular person, it can sometimes be easier to work through solutions to the problem.
However, sometimes you specifically want to work with a particular individual and a specific behavior they have. In this case, you would not want to do this in a large group, but as a one on one communication. In large groups, it can cause a great deal of defensiveness to single out one person out of the group as “The problem”. The personal form goes like this:
When you do (Behavior), I feel (Reaction to behavior)
For example, “ When you left the tools out in the rain, I was really angry”. By communicating this to another person you clearly state what the behavior was and how it made you feel. The person can then respond in any number of ways and the communication goes from there.
An addition to the patterns above is to include information about why the behavior makes you feel as it does, and also you can add what you want done differently. So the additional form goes like this:
When (Behavior) happens, I feel (Reaction to behavior), because (Reasons). I would like (Alternative)
For example, “ When you left the tools out in the rain, I was really angry. Our tools are expensive and rain damages them. I would like to see all the tools put away after they are used. ”
And of course you can rearrange the order in which you use the patterns. Some people understand better when the reasons are stated first, and emotions later. You could repattern the subject above as, “Our tools are expensive and rain damages them. I would like to see all the tools put away after they are used. When you left the tools out in the rain, I was really angry.”
By including the pattern elements of behavior, your feelings, why you feel as you do, and alternative ideas in place of the behavior, you have a clear a message that you can transmit to another person. Also, when your emotions are boiling over, having a simple pattern to fall into can keep your communications from becoming unproductive emotional tirades.
The group makes an agreement and it is not followed through on.
· Assign action items. In the meeting define the exact actions that need doing, call for volunteers, then set a date for the completion of the action, or a report.
· Set an evaluation of the decision for the future as part of the decision. For example at the monthly meeting three months from now we will evaluate how well this decision is working.
· Examine for false consensus.
· Do an energy line. Often people will agree that something is a good idea, but the group does not have the energy to accomplish it. One thing to do is to have people decide on a scale of 1-5 how much energy they can commit to accomplishing the project. This can graphically show you who can accomplish the task, or may show that nobody has any time or energy for the task, in which case you need to find alternatives.
· Do the fun stuff at the beginning. Start the meetings with a fun activity. People who come late will miss the fun part of the meeting. If it truly is fun, they will make the effort to arrive earlier.
· The last person in brings treats for next meeting. This is the stick approach, not as effectively with chronic late comers.
· Personal observation and communication. If members chronic lateness causing problems, such as the whole group having to rehash something again that the late comer misses, then a personal communication, that reflects the problems caused and works towards solutions may be a good solution.
· Live with it, and adjust your time clock. Some people will always be late, and if those people make up the majority of your group you may be best served just to recognize it as a group trait and work with it instead of against it.
· Groom the agenda. Don’t try and do everything at one meeting.
· Make them aware: Check that they are burnt out on this issue: “If you are feeling tired of dealing with this issue raise your hand.” Or use a silent poll for this.
· Set a time table/ deadline. Create an end date that the issue will be figured out by. This can help morale some.
· Outline a clear process for resolution: Set out the steps needed to resolve the issue clearly. Knowing that they are on a path for resolution can help morale.
· Point out the progress. Be a cheerleader. Bring up all the work done so far, point out that the final resolution is really close (if it is). “We are really close to solving this, We have figured out everything except x., how about 10 more minutes? )
· Break up the activities into small groups.
· Do energy building activities throughout the meeting. Do small exercises to get peoples blood flowing, move around, dance in place, do pantomime games with lots of motion.
· Ask participants to define the things they need from the issue.
· Listen and reflect back what needs you hear from an individual.
· Brainstorm a list of all the personal needs people have.
· Create a door keeper and save chairs near the door.
· Encourage people who need to leave to take a door seat.
· Don’t stack the agenda for people who can’t stay if it’s chronic.
· Have a group debriefing - how does it affect the group when people leave in the middle of the meeting?
· Check for false consensus using a secret ballot or using a public-private scale.
· Check the decision support level. Did people agree but nobody has any time or energy to accomplish it?
· Check the decision satisfaction level. Ask the group to write a number from 1-10 about how satisfied they were with the decision. If lots of people are under 4, you might consider reopening the decision and seeing if you can find a better one.
· Establish a benchmark to bring a previously made decision back up, for example, 20% of the group membership must agree its worth reconsidering the decision before it can come up again.
Most groups do not process conflicted issues well. In fact, in many groups, conflicted issues are studiously avoided. This is something you want to observe in your group. Are conflicted issues avoided? There are two main reasons conflicts do not get addressed. The most common is conflict avoidance behavior, and the other is that there is no process for bringing up things within the group.
Diagnostic
People do not bring up the topic, or if it comes up there is a discomfort and the topic is quickly dropped.
People will avoid bringing up even the most oblique references to the conflicted issue.
People gripe to each other in private about the situation or issue.
The outcome of ignored conflicts usually is loss of trust and commitment among the members. Small problems can explode into much larger conflicts with the repetition of the problem and the final: “I can’t take it anymore” explosion. Sometimes non conflicted issues become a proxy for someone to bring up the real underlying issue. Fear of conflict is common, especially if the conflict area represents potential for damaging relationships. For example, a number of group parents may be very conflicted about another parents use of spanking to discipline their children. The potential alienation of the spanking parent kept the group from talking about the issue directly and so indirect communications resulted in the very thing they feared most, the alienation of the parent.
Confront the issue directly
The facilitator can simply ask the group about the issue. It seems like we are avoiding talking about _________, is this what you see happening? If the group says yes, then you can ask them, can we work on this soon? Again, if the group is willing, you can simply add it to the agenda, or otherwise schedule a process to work through it. If the group is unwilling to work on the issue, this is something to explore as well. It could be that the issue is outside the definition of what the group is willing to work on. In this case, a small subset might be able to work on it, outside of the larger group.
Hot buttons.
Goal: to flesh out members conflict issues
Technique: Distribute index cards and pencils. Setup: Explain to the group that in order to function in the most effective way we need to know about, and be willing to work on, the issues and concerns that are not obviously apparent but are simmering under the surface. Have people write three things that make them mad. Alternately, you could ask them to write down three things you think people are avoiding. Collect these anonymously and then rewrite and post them.
Calling Council.
Goal: To help individuals fully talk about and look at the issue from a variety of perspectives.
Technique: The person with an issue “calls council” by asking a small group of individual to privately help them work on an issue. The “council” members are chosen by the individual and they listen and ask clarifying questions to bring out as much of the issue as possible.
Sharing Circle
Goal: To get a whole group to talk about a specific issue, To get to know one another better
Technique: Gather the group in a informal comfortable setting. Facilitator sets tone with opening set of expectations( To learn about each other, listen to issues, support each others needs). The focus is not problem solving, it is sharing feelings about problems or even good things. Facilitator sets ground rules to allow members to speak freely, works best to restrict speaking to one at a time in a circle to not allow reactions. Focus on feelings and behaviors, not labels.
Help me letter
Goal: To help two or more individuals setup a conversation about a problem.
Technique: The individual writes out a letter which explains their perception of a problem or issue, describes what the individual sees as the problem, what they want, and what they want done differently instead of the existing situation. They then offer this letter in private, asking the individual to read it and respond in person or in writing when they are ready to do so. This means a person could be handed a help me letter and not read it for several days until they are in the personal mood to do so.
Some people have enormous difficulty speaking in groups. Perhaps they can’t process more than one thing at a time and so can’t listen and think and speak all at once. Or they have been shut down emotionally in a meeting or seen others who have and so they withdrawal.
Diagnostic: Members who never have anything to say, or who only speak about issues outside the meeting, not during the meeting. Members who are non responsive. In some cases members may avoid meetings all together, especially if there is a controversy involved.
Sometimes the quiet folks are quiet because they have nothing to say. But if they are holding back, the group misses the value of their perspective.
Personal Counseling. One on one conversation with the individual in a supportive way to encourage them. “You have such good ideas, I wish you would share them with others in the meeting”. Or simply share observation: “I did not hear you say anything at the meeting about (Issues). Is there something getting in the way of your participation?” If the individual is shy work with them to help them find ways to open up. If the individual is afraid, note the problems and help find solutions to them.
Public Intervention: In the meeting, if they contribute, give a warm smile and a thank you in public. This may reinforce them. The facilitator can use body language to create a connection to invite a participation, just by looking at the shy individual and smiling at them and asking: “anybody else have anything they want to add?”
Watch the tone of the meetings. If there is undesirable competition or negative behaviors intervene on these to enable a supportive and positive climate for the group.
Use silent polling in places where appropriate to get feedback. For example, have people rank their opinions on paper and then collect them anonymously. For example, do a silent poll on an issue with a 1-5 range, with 1 being mostly for, five being mostly against, three being I don’t care at all. This allows a shy person to voice a strong opinion (using a 1 or a 5) without fear of negative feedback.
As you travel the road of cooperative process there will be some pretty big potholes that you will stumble into occasionally. These often ambush the group as agenda items that seem trivial, but end up with the group splintered and bickering. It is amazing how quickly a group can get stuck in a quagmire of confusion and anger.
As a good facilitator you want to be alert to potential problem issues and try and spot them proactively. This is why it is very important to do a thorough evaluation of the meeting agenda before the meeting starts. Try to map out a strategy for dealing with each agenda item, especially any which might be sensitive or controversial. Think about “what-if? scenarios as you plan. What if Sara gets emotional about this and yells again? What technique will I use to get the maximum discussion in the minimum amount of time? Is there a way I can make this fun? The better prepared the facilitator is, the better the meeting will run.
The longer the group is together, and the more you know about the life and personalities of your group, the easier it is to spot “hot” issues. During the day to day interactions you will want to be on the look out for issues and situations that are potential for a hot issue. For instance, if there is no vegetarian option for dinner three nights in row, and one of the vegetarians in the group adds an agenda item to the meeting about dinner, you may find it useful to have a private conversation ahead of the meeting to scope out the extent of the feelings. The more you pay attention to the group dynamic around you that unfolds daily, the better prepared you can be for the issues that arise when you facilitate. Good facilitation is not only what happens during meetings, it involves keeping an ear to the ground, knowing your people and the issues in the group at any given time.
When a contentious issue arises, as the facilitator you need to examine your own investments in the issue carefully. If you have a strong feeling about the issue at hand, you should consider stepping down and letting another person facilitate. Nothing will lose the trust of the group more than a facilitator who uses the group process to move the group to a particular outcome.
· A very key question in working with conflicts is “why?” Why do you feel so strongly about this? Why are you shouting? Why do you have such angst over this issue? Why do you think that way? Learn to ask for clarification when an issue becomes a conflict. Use questions to draw out peoples thinking and reasons. Be gentle as you probe for peoples reasons but get as much information as you can. Once you know the reasons why somebody is so emotionally charged you have more options for working out a desirable outcome.
· Do a trial solution using a time frame. Lets try this for 3 months and evaluate it. A trial solution will give you some experience and then you will know more to be able to make a better decision. Sometimes peoples angst comes from the fear of the unknown, so by trying out ideas you can learn from experience and then readjust later as needed. Try and cultivate an attitude that its OK to try new things.
· Do a values survey. If an issue disagreement has a base value then do a survey where you can determine how strongly the root value is shared. A public-Private Scale works well for this.
· Don't make it personal, don’t let it become personal. If you disagree about an idea or concept, frame the discussion around the idea, not the person. Take the issue away from the individual by giving it to the group as a problem to solve. Get the group involved by brainstorming ideas from the whole group, pros and cons.
· Start by defining the goals of the issue. Sometimes people who won’t agree about the details can agree on the goals of what you want to accomplish. Then the details can be sorted out and placed in relationship to the agreed upon concept or goal. A good analysis question is to ask, why are we doing this?
· Sometimes an issue really boils down to disagreement between a couple of people. Often these folks benefit from time to talk directly to each other. Do a deliberate defocusing by temporarily adjourning the meeting. Let people go get food, relax in the sun, gather in small groups to talk or walk in the woods. If time concerns are a problem, and a long break is not possible, take a five minute silent thinking break where the goal is just to quietly reflect on the issue. Often this sort of change of atmosphere helps people think through an issue and come up with ideas for resolution.
· Is this really about the topic at hand or something else? More often than not, the issue at hand is a carrier for another problem or issue that is hidden. One way to spot this is to change one aspect of the issue but leave the rest the same. For example, if the problem issue is paying for childcare, swap the issue to paying for parking. Is it about childcare, or about paying for things you don’t use. Sometimes doing this will bring up that the issue is actually something else. It may be that if your group has no process for dealing with feelings, people will attack a particular issue to get the attention they want to another issue.
· Define the relationships involved in the problem. For instance, when ever Mary brings up an idea, Sue objects to that idea. Watch for patterns of interaction between specific people and then counsel them together privately. This is good place to watch for emotional contexts. Every time Jim brings up a particular issue, Joanna reacts angrily. Why?
As your experience as a facilitator grows you will find that group issues that raise divergent views are not something to avoid or hide from, but interesting and demanding challenges that you can learn and grow from. One of the best feelings you get as a facilitator is to have helped your group successfully resolve a difficult issue.
In many groups, the day to day business of developing and running the group is what dominates the meeting agenda. Often individuals have a hard time communicating their concerns and feelings, especially if the meeting agenda is full and the group is focusing on "business". If feelings and concerns get neglected they can get internalized and become hidden agendas that cause friction or blocking in the business meeting. It is important to create a space where individuals can express their feelings and concerns in a safe way not only just to help free the business meetings from friction, but also to create a genuine feeling of community.
Circling is a technique used by many groups to express issues and also by group mediators to bring groups who are in conflict together. In its simplest form it is a round robin process where each individual in turn has an opportunity to share their truth. There are different levels or kinds of circles, a warm up circle just to get things started, a guided circle where the topic is chosen by the facilitator, a feelings or concerns circle where individuals share and listen from the heart, appreciation and growth circles where you stroke each other and recognize your achievements.
By creating a forum and an environment where open honest sharing about feelings and personal history/development can occur there is opportunity for tremendous growth as a group and as individuals. It is an uncommon individual in our society who honestly and openly communicates their feelings as part of their regular communications. How many people openly respond to a gossip with " It hurts me when you say things like that about...." Or, " I feel angry when you cut me off before I have finished speaking". Most members of our society internalize how the behaviors of others make us feel and we never give the kind of constructive, positive feedback that encourages changes. Circling creates a time and place to talk about feelings.
The internalization of feelings, especially if they are strong feelings, can lead to very unpleasant consequences and is a very common root cause of serious conflicts in groups. The particular issue under conflict is often just a vehicle for the expression of long internalized feelings. Circling creates a simple, effective and safe place to release concerns and feelings and bring the issues into the light.
Circling also offers an important forum for non-business interpersonal issues to be aired. Issues as simple as the tricycles being left in the road can be talked about as well as issues of personal behavior, styles, commitments, philosophies and personality.
It is key to remember that circling is not a decision making process, it is a technique for the expression of feelings. When issues and concerns are raised that require decisions, they are processed in a different meeting such as a business meeting. The goal of circling is to share feelings, issues and concerns, not resolving them.
There are three preparation steps before you start. The first is to establish a commitment to making the circle a regular part of the group process. This is not a one - shot deal, rather a commitment to creating positive communication behaviors to enable group growth. The circle time should be held separately from the business time, although it can make an excellent opening to a business meeting. The next step is to set up ground rules. I would suggest the following as a start. Many groups post the ground rules at every circle so they are remembered and honored.
1. I am here to grow and to learn about myself and my group.
2. I do not have to defend myself.
3. I want to hear how you feel. I will accept the feelings you share with an open heart.
4. I will be honest with my feelings.
5. It is OK for me to pass.
6. What we say here, stays here. It is not acceptable to use this against each other later, or to gossip later.
In the final preparation you create the Guiders or facilitator role. Guider(s) have the responsibility to be alert for circle breaking behavior and quickly, and with gentleness, intervene by reminding of the ground rules and the expectations. The role of Guiders needs to be explained carefully each time at first so everyone understands the role and its importance to the success of the circle. Guiders are empowered by the group to start and stop the circle.
Circling is hard to do while strangers watch. To effectively give your feelings you need to have a sense of security and stability. Encourage visitors to come during business meeting times and keep the sharing circle private to members. Members may decline to join in circling experiences, especially if they are not in a place they can do this kind of sharing. They should be continually warmly invited and encouraged to attend. They will be honestly missed and that should be expressed regularly. As behaviors of communication change, even the people who do not participate in the direct experience will be effected positively by the change, in subtle and direct ways.
Circles are facilitated by a Guider(s) who remind the group to honor the ground rules, set up transitions from circle to circle, and explain what each circle hopes to accomplish. They are also empowered to intervene.
It is common to begin circling with something easy, and non-threatening. The very first circle should be a warm up sharing to set up a transition. Signify the beginning by lighting a candle or some other symbol of beginning. It is useful to have some sort of object, such as feather or a speaking staff to signify who has the floor. Each person speaks, then passes the object to the next person in the circle when they have finished. A candle in a basket of sand makes a nice soothing place to focus. The Guider asks for honoring of the ground rules and processes.
The warm up circle should be superficial enough so that late comers don't miss anything absolutely crucial. A good place to start is just a recap of current lives, children's activities, job things, a favorite story about childhood, remembrances of significant life or group events. The goal of the first circle is to practice sharing which sets up the transition to deeper sharing. It is absolutely OK if this is the only circle that happens at first. As time progresses circles can get into deeper personal waters but in the beginning let the transition happen slowly, patiently, and carefully. You are building trust at this stage and learning to accept differing comfort levels about personal sharing.
Another level of circle is called the feelings circle and should be some form of sharing of concerns, issues, observations, frustrations, joys and appreciation's. In this circle the ground rule is that defensive remarks are not allowed. Everyone's expressions of feelings are to be accepted with an open heart and full listening. You need to listen, not respond. All statements are lead with I. I feel, I see, I think, I want...
This doesn't mean you have to agree with everyone's feelings or concerns. You accept sharings as the valid feelings of individuals and listen openly to them. For example, if someone feels angry with me and expresses that in the circle, I listen and accept that they are angry. I may not accept that what I did justified their anger, but I do accept that they are angry and that their feeling is valid for them.
For this to work it is very important that everyone agree that this circle is not the place to explain why something happened or defend. It is a place to share concerns and accept any and all things shared. Explanations, defenses, resolutions are done in another place or later as individuals. By allowing no defensive reactions, and by setting the ground rule that I accept what you tell me with an open heart, it creates a safe place to give your feelings. The circle forum also protects from immediate defensive reactions. If something is shared that makes me defensive, by the time the circle gets around to my turn, I may be listening again. Defensiveness is a normal reaction and it takes time to be accepting. It also creates a place to note areas of growth and concern between and within individuals. If someone shares that they were angry about something I did, I can take the time later to apologize to that person or work on it later one on one. If five people tell me similar things, it helps me realize that this is an major area that I need to work on improving. Either way, I grow and communication is enhanced as long as I listen without defensiveness. Defensiveness means you have stopped listening.
When dealing with interpersonal issues it can cause a large degree of discomfort. Most people don't really want to deal with having people discuss negative aspects of their behaviors, especially when attached to strong emotions. When this is done in a circle it offers people the opportunity to listen from across the circle, which although public, can make it a little easier to say, especially easier than one on one. It helps to be sensitive to the feelings of others and express interpersonal behavior issues in the pattern; "When ______ happens, I feel _________." This pattern of expressing behavior, coupled with leading statements with "I”, such as " I feel, I think, I want", does a lot to ease the tension out of the discussion. The focus should be on the behavior, not on the labeling or attacking an individual. For example it is easy to resort to labeling. Jill might say: "Mike is such an arrogant male jerk!". This is a labeling statement and is useless. A behavior/feeling statement would be "When the decision was made to fix the bus without asking me, it really made me feel left out and angry. I felt at the time that because I was female, I was excluded and this really made me mad". In the behavior/feeling statement it clearly identifies and describes which action caused what response. As Mike listens he knows that HE is whom she is talking about and there may have been lots of reasons why he did what he did. Those don't matter, what is important is that he hears what others have to say. Defensive responses and breaking turn in the circle are failures of the circle. When the circle fails the Guiders intervene immediately by interrupting the speaker, explaining how the behavior hurts the circle, asking permission of the group to continue, reminding all that this sharing circle only works by honoring the ground rules. Defensiveness kills the safety of this circle and must be immediately intervened and stopped. Doing this in a gentle way is very important. Another important role of the Guider is helping to remind of the behavior/feeling models and also reminding the group to use I statements.
If people are not in place where they can accept the sharing of honest feelings of others they should be encouraged to exit this circle. One way to set up this is to ask people before the feeling circle if they are not in a space to accept the honest sharing of feelings they may be excused at this time.
Another circle level is a guided sharing. This circle has a specific topic focus It could be that the feelings circle has opened things that the group wants to talk about. The guides can help this by tracking if there is a recurring sharing which can be abstracted, or listing several on paper or a chalk board for discussion. If no sharing topics come up as things that need further immediate discussion then the guide picks a sharing topic from an existing sharings list that can be brainstormed.
To start the first time I would suggest using a warm up sharing circle, follow it with a guided sharing circle based on appreciation's and empathy for individuals and what they shared, and a closing circle of sharing what we will personally work on until the next meeting. It will cause less anxiety if you don't start right away with a feelings circle, it is better to wait a few meetings to let things flow. If you have a group in conflict if you start with a guided sharing circle topic why each of you came to the group, do an appreciation's circle to stroke each other and your achievement it makes the feeling circle flow very easily.
An appreciation's circle is a great way to end the circling process.
The foundation and the heart of community is based in interpersonal communications. A lot of what we do as a group is effected by how we communicate with each other. Creating a communications forum that encourages and allows the honest, open, sharing of feelings of individuals builds a group foundation that no storm can ever break.
People often come into social groups because they need or want to be heard as an individual. The facilitator is sometimes treated as if they were a psychoanalyst. They are not. Solving peoples personal problems is not your job unless that's what you want to do. However, you do need to spot and work on behaviors that individuals bring into the meeting that causes the meetings to malfunction. So, whether you want to or not, you may end up doing some personal counseling work to help the group function at its best. There are several common behaviors, that are well documented in group dynamics research, that show up frequently in group meetings. Knowing about them, and how to work through them is a huge asset. There are several books listed in the resources pages that offer a great deal of information about group problem behaviors. The listings below are introductions to the common types.
Loud voices, definitive statements that allow no rebuttal, long special interest speeches are all signs of dominance. When one group members behavior causes an unbalanced influence on the outcome it can skew the decisions and leave other group members feeling left out or impotent. Controllers often are involved in many committees and issues and resist breaking up large group decisions because they can’t control all the small groups.
One effective way of pointing out dominance is to illustrate the behaviors of dominance, without naming any particular individual. Introduce the idea, then have the whole group brainstorm behaviors that indicate dominance. Then brainstorm how that makes other members feel. Often this exercise will point out the effects of controlling behavior and it will curb the behaviors. For awhile. It is good to follow this up with personal conversation with the controlling or domineering individuals. Remember that you should focus on the behaviors and their consequences, not the individual. Once a person realizes and can admit they have controlling tendencies, you will be able to really work on the problems they cause. If a controller denies their behaviors you will have to patiently show them the specific problem behaviors and explain, perhaps several time, the effects of those behaviors on the group. Assuming that the controller has the best intentions for the group, self awareness will help moderate their behaviors.
People take on controlling or domineering behaviors for a reason, and sometimes they may not even know themselves why. Sometimes directed questioning can help bring out reasons for behaviors of control. For example, a controller may believe that they have important information, or know more than anybody else about an issue. Or it could be a lack of confidence that anyone else can do the task. One question to ask in counseling is: “ What do you think would happen if you were not involved in this issue? This can bring out some of the fears of the controller.
People with controlling behavior often take important leadership roles and offer valuable service to the group. The key is knowing the attributes of a controller, and educating the whole group about the values and perils of such behaviors and empowering the group to speak up when they feel left out or otherwise negatively effected by the behavior.
Passives are the opposites of controllers. Instead of leading and being involved in everything, passives don’t get involved in anything. They defer their opinions, withdrawal, hold back and seldom participate. While controllers are pretty easy to spot, passives are not.
Passives behavior may come from fear caused by a hostile meeting or social atmosphere where domineering people direct negative words and body language at people they disagree with. Clearly in this case the facilitator needs to set clear ground rules about negative remarks or behaviors, and then reinforce those ground rules by halting the meeting and commenting on any negative emotional feedback that she senses.
Sometimes passive behavior can be assuaged by some private encouragement. Another method is to break a large group into smaller subgroups for discussion. The passive may open up in the smaller group.
Another reason people are sometimes passive in meetings is because they really don’t care at all about what is on the agenda and are dedicated enough to show up the meeting anyway. Remind folks regularly that often really good ideas and perspectives come, not from those who are deep inside an issue, but those who are detached. Their neutrality gives them the ability to see things others who are partisan to one position or another cannot.
If a person is consistently a non-contributor, often a good course is a private meeting where you encourage them and ask them how to involve them. For example, “Mark, you have some really good ideas, how can I help you present your ideas in the meeting?”
Sometimes it may take considerable effort and coaxing to bring a passive out of their shell. Encourage them when they speak in the meeting by smiling, giving them verbal affirmation such as “thank you, that’s a good point”, etc.
The performer is usually seeking an audience and often they play the role of the group clown. Acting up behavior may in fact do a great deal of good by adding humor to the meeting. However, performance at inappropriate times can distract the group or annoy group members. Often the performer can be enlisted with a task to help run the meeting, or given a specific assignment to work on. By engaging them directly, their need to perform can be subverted into more useful behaviors. Enlisting them directly as helpers of group morale can channel behaviors into more productive lines. One group made the person who acted out a lot their social director and boy did they have some fun parties!
People who are habitually negative are really hard to be around for very long. They not only see the glass is only half full, its dirty, has dishwasher spots and is cracked, and will probably break and injure someone and then we’ll get sued. They see all the faults and none of the promise or positives. A typical meeting behavior is to point out all the faults in any proposal offered. In fact, they may be experts at playing the game of "Yes, but..."where they shoot down all ideas presented with counter faults or problems until the other person gives up and goes away. (see Eric Bernes, Games People Play for a description of this and other games). A classic negative behavior is to generalize from one negative situation that all similar situations will also be negative. This often is phrased as a variation of: "We tried that before and it didn't work"
Many of the same strategies for dealing with controllers behavior work with negative behavior. In addition, challenge the whole group to not just fault find, but to offer alternatives and solutions that are better than the ideas offered. Switch from fault finding to solution finding.
One way to do this is to ask group members to list only positive ideas, no negatives. Another is to brainstorm alternative ideas or approaches by having each member contribute a minimum of two ideas by writing them on a card.
You can counter negative behavior by giving the person some responsibility by asking: "Why don't you think about this for awhile and get back to us with a proposal how to solve this"
Sometimes you can approach a negative person with the cons already stated. For example, approach the negative like this: "Here is my proposal, and these are the things I see that could go wrong with it. What do you think?" This can preempt the negative behavior.
The negative perspective may offer a great service to the group, troubleshooting ideas for potential problems. In fact, its good to use a person with negative behaviors in this role to cure unbridled optimism. Acknowledge their help and their good intentions by thanking them for their help. This can also change how other people in the group perceive the negative behavior, and change the perception from being a drag on the group to important resource.
There are folks who seem to be unable to get to a point, their conversations ramble and use a lot of time to say simple things. They may go off on a long intellectual conceptual tangent and never actually say Yes or No, or do so in such a way you are not sure. This is raised to a high art form by some politicians.
Paraphrasing and summarizing a ramblers point can be helpful. Use Yes/No questions to help capture the main points. For example, “So, Martha, were you saying you are in favor of the proposal if it is modified?”
Sometimes it can be effective to use a private intervention and ask ramblers to write down their main point on paper before they speak. This can help them focus their thoughts.